Rush

Yesterday was my appointment with my counselor or as others may simply call it therapist. I’ve been seeing my counselor for nine months now. I used to see my counselor every two weeks. I have been doing monthly visits since I started my medication. I will try out a month and a half. I think I’ll be fine, but we’ll see. If I ever need to schedule my appointment sooner, it won’t be a problem. I’ve been waking up earlier than nine hours for the past couple of days. I’ve started dreaming again. I haven’t dreamt since starting Remeron. Strattera wears off at night and I’m back to my old self when I wake up. I almost decluttered my closet. Instead, I reassembled a table and fixed my computer area. I did manage breakfast and coffee though. Breakfast today is my favorite: an acai bowl. I’ve been playing around with ratios to get the proper thickness. Nothing beats the slushy texture of two packs.

Yesterday I woke up and got ready for work. My counselor appointment was before work. I really don’t like doing anything after seeing the counselor. I like to relax, reflect, and repair myself. That wasn’t possible yesterday because I had actually missed my appointment last week. I was still figuring out how many hours of sleep I needed. I spoke about my parents with my counselor. About things that really bothered me or memories that kept recurring over this past month. I will probably write about it one day, but not today. I just kept saying, “I don’t know why these memories have come back to me, especially after so long.” I had done my makeup so crying was not an option. Look up and breathe and talk slower. That’s my trick to keep the tears at bay and to not ruin your mascara. I just wanted my counselor to know what had happened. I wanted someone I could trust to know what happened.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about my mom. I worry about her but at the same time I don’t really care (what’s she’s up to). My mom is not #1 mom mug material. I know that she tried her best to make the best of things when I was growing up but for me I saw so many opportunities she outright declined because of her pride. She was a single parent, she could’ve gone on welfare. My grandfather offered to send me to private school, but she said no. We could’ve lived with my grandfather for a time but my mom would rather have her pride at the expense of her children’s’ well being and education. I could’ve been a better person, maybe a smarter person, had I been given the environment and education. But no, I’m just me. Average intelligence, struggling with childhood trauma, and only knowing that I must work hard but I’ll never reach the level of those who are superior to me because of socioeconomic status.

I am envious of my step-sister. Ever since she was conceived my step-father had laid out a nurturing environment. She was given everything she needed to excel in academia. She went to the best schools, had the best tutors. She was valedictorian at the best school back home. She went to an ivy league school. She did her post-baccalaureate at another ivy league school. She has the recommendation of a very high political figure from back home. She has all these accolades and accomplishments. Next to her, I feel so worthless. My step-father felt really sorry for me that I was not given a better environment. That even now my own mother does not support me in anyway. My step-father was the one who paid for my education. He helped me get through my bachelor’s financially. My mom didn’t pay a single cent.

Here I am now, doing my masters but struggling to just continue my project. The reason: I’m not making the time for it. It’s as simple as that. If I lead a more structure life, if I kept to a strict schedule, I know I could do it. Maybe I could start with an hour a day. Or maybe two hours a day. Just do a bit of progress. Just a little bit of work everyday.

I said that I would have my data collection done by the summer. Summer is almost over. I can do it.

Yesterday after my counselor’s appointment I went to a bookstore and bought a notebook. The current notebook I’m using has a coffee stain that stains all the pages. It’s not the best thing to look at. I bought separate notebooks for work. I used the bullet journaling system during my course work and it really helped me. I want to be better with scheduling and with how I manage my time.

Last night after work, I accidentally spent five hours just watching TV. That’s something I definitely need to stop doing. Tonight is my last night of work and then my day off is tomorrow. I want to finish tidying today so that the technician doesn’t have a hard time installing my new internet.

I’ve gotten rid of a lot of clothes and just things in general. There are some pieces of clothing that I like wearing because they’re easy and comfortable. But I don’t like wearing them anymore because that’s not the image of a person I want to be.

I lost an earring yesterday. It must’ve come off when I removed my helmet. I should probably get ready for work.

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