Rush

Yesterday was my appointment with my counselor or as others may simply call it therapist. I’ve been seeing my counselor for nine months now. I used to see my counselor every two weeks. I have been doing monthly visits since I started my medication. I will try out a month and a half. I think I’ll be fine, but we’ll see. If I ever need to schedule my appointment sooner, it won’t be a problem. I’ve been waking up earlier than nine hours for the past couple of days. I’ve started dreaming again. I haven’t dreamt since starting Remeron. Strattera wears off at night and I’m back to my old self when I wake up. I almost decluttered my closet. Instead, I reassembled a table and fixed my computer area. I did manage breakfast and coffee though. Breakfast today is my favorite: an acai bowl. I’ve been playing around with ratios to get the proper thickness. Nothing beats the slushy texture of two packs.

Yesterday I woke up and got ready for work. My counselor appointment was before work. I really don’t like doing anything after seeing the counselor. I like to relax, reflect, and repair myself. That wasn’t possible yesterday because I had actually missed my appointment last week. I was still figuring out how many hours of sleep I needed. I spoke about my parents with my counselor. About things that really bothered me or memories that kept recurring over this past month. I will probably write about it one day, but not today. I just kept saying, “I don’t know why these memories have come back to me, especially after so long.” I had done my makeup so crying was not an option. Look up and breathe and talk slower. That’s my trick to keep the tears at bay and to not ruin your mascara. I just wanted my counselor to know what had happened. I wanted someone I could trust to know what happened.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about my mom. I worry about her but at the same time I don’t really care (what’s she’s up to). My mom is not #1 mom mug material. I know that she tried her best to make the best of things when I was growing up but for me I saw so many opportunities she outright declined because of her pride. She was a single parent, she could’ve gone on welfare. My grandfather offered to send me to private school, but she said no. We could’ve lived with my grandfather for a time but my mom would rather have her pride at the expense of her children’s’ well being and education. I could’ve been a better person, maybe a smarter person, had I been given the environment and education. But no, I’m just me. Average intelligence, struggling with childhood trauma, and only knowing that I must work hard but I’ll never reach the level of those who are superior to me because of socioeconomic status.

I am envious of my step-sister. Ever since she was conceived my step-father had laid out a nurturing environment. She was given everything she needed to excel in academia. She went to the best schools, had the best tutors. She was valedictorian at the best school back home. She went to an ivy league school. She did her post-baccalaureate at another ivy league school. She has the recommendation of a very high political figure from back home. She has all these accolades and accomplishments. Next to her, I feel so worthless. My step-father felt really sorry for me that I was not given a better environment. That even now my own mother does not support me in anyway. My step-father was the one who paid for my education. He helped me get through my bachelor’s financially. My mom didn’t pay a single cent.

Here I am now, doing my masters but struggling to just continue my project. The reason: I’m not making the time for it. It’s as simple as that. If I lead a more structure life, if I kept to a strict schedule, I know I could do it. Maybe I could start with an hour a day. Or maybe two hours a day. Just do a bit of progress. Just a little bit of work everyday.

I said that I would have my data collection done by the summer. Summer is almost over. I can do it.

Yesterday after my counselor’s appointment I went to a bookstore and bought a notebook. The current notebook I’m using has a coffee stain that stains all the pages. It’s not the best thing to look at. I bought separate notebooks for work. I used the bullet journaling system during my course work and it really helped me. I want to be better with scheduling and with how I manage my time.

Last night after work, I accidentally spent five hours just watching TV. That’s something I definitely need to stop doing. Tonight is my last night of work and then my day off is tomorrow. I want to finish tidying today so that the technician doesn’t have a hard time installing my new internet.

I’ve gotten rid of a lot of clothes and just things in general. There are some pieces of clothing that I like wearing because they’re easy and comfortable. But I don’t like wearing them anymore because that’s not the image of a person I want to be.

I lost an earring yesterday. It must’ve come off when I removed my helmet. I should probably get ready for work.

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Control

Another day of morning pages. It’s a pretty cool feeling to have something scheduled at the start of your morning. I’m doing laundry and making something to eat, but it’s close enough to my start. Not sure why, but this is the second occurrence of waking up at 6a. I sleep with the curtains open so that when the sun rises it will fill my studio. When I woke up it was still dark. I woke up again around 10a, went back to sleep. Finally woke up a little bit before 1130a and decided to stay awake. Yesterday wasn’t so bad, I only had eight hours of sleep. I felt a little tired but I was alright. I didn’t feel groggy.

I’m a bit out and in this morning as far as my attention goes. A ‘friend’ needs a favor but I can’t help her. I’m helping her find someone who can help her. I don’t know why I’m helping her, I’m not obligated to. Also I’m doing laundry. Today is one of the few days I actually have off. Toaster oven toasted bread is probably my favorite type of toast. It is thoroughly toasted. I wish I had a bigger area for my computer area, but I suppose it’s better this way.

This is turning out to be a really good breakfast. I have two slices of toast: one with jam and the other with a bit of hazelnut butter and jam (strawberry jam). I’m having my toast with a dark roast coffee that has a bit of vanilla syrup and soy milk in it. Good pairing.

I just reserved a car for December. My partner is flying out to visit. I have already made arrangements at my part time job for vacation. My partner isn’t of the departure date though. Hopefully it will be figured out well before so I can adjust the car rental.

I’ve been talking to my best friend more often these days. We have been best friends for over 10 years. We have never met in person. I want to meet him. Maybe after I graduate I will go and visit him in London.

I’m not a fan of the hazelnut butter.

I’ve been watching this show called The Tudors. I’m hooked on Reign but there hasn’t been an update for awhile. I really want to start reading history because of these historical fiction drama type shows. I don’t know how to start. I remember when I was studying U.S. History in high school it was a drag. I remember I was so bored during the class that I would skip around the book just to look at the pictures. I never took a government class. I kind of wish I did, especially with what’s going on right now. I received a letter from a senator. It was one of those mass sent letters letting citizens know that the senators are there to serve them. Lucky guess, but I bet it’s to quell all the protests.

I bought a $60 clock. It charges my phone, has a usb plug, can play music from my phone, has an FM radio, dimmable LCD screen, and is an alarm. It’s pretty neat. I keep it near my computer. I would love to have it near my bed, but my pet chinchilla will more than likely chew the cord.

I love the idea of writing, but I could never be satisfied with the pen or the notebook I would carry.

Counter

I read this article about a writing exercise called ‘morning pages’. I thought it would be a good idea to implement it. My mind races at night and I feel that is when I’m most creative. But, I want to train myself to switch my creative peak from night to morning – or at least when I wake up.

I’m currently on an anti-depressant that helps me sleep, it’s called Remeron. With the help of my doctor we figured out which dosage suited my needs better. A 15mg dose makes me sleep for 12+ hours. A 30mg dose decreases my required number hours of sleep to 9. So far, I have been waking up around the same time, regardless of what time I go to bed. I usually wake up around 10a – 11a. I already know that in order to get up earlier you must go to bed earlier. I work a night job and I usually get off around 11:30p – 12:00a. My commute is about 20 to 30 minutes. So by the time I get home it’s 12:00a – 12:30a. When I get home I clean my pet chinchilla’s cage and I let him out to play for about an hour. Around this time I am hungry as well. I should really fix my eating schedule, it’s really messed up.

I have been recently diagnosed with ADHD – who doesn’t have it these days (that’s how I feel)? I am on Strattera. It’s nice because it counters Remeron as far as appetite goes. Remeron makes me eat a lot, I’ve actually gained weight back because of it. Into the fourth day of the Strattera starter pack, my appetite has decreased. I was wondering why I didn’t feel like eating at all. I didn’t even feel hungry. When I got home I had to eat something even if I didn’t feel like it. All I ate yesterday was a fast food meal (burgers, fries, soda, snack sized ice cream).

July is almost over and I haven’t progressed at all on my research. August is almost here and I’m supposed to have finished my data collecting over the summer. I’ve been working at my part time job a lot. I think I’m pulling almost 40 hours a week. I was struggling with how many hours of sleep I needed.

It’s just frustrating that ‘I’m so busy’, when in reality all I’m really saying is: I don’t know how to manage my life. That’s the truth of it. I sat down at a cafe last week Sunday, planning out my week. Besides work, I didn’t get to do most of what I scheduled. I figure that 30 minutes of time allotted would equate to three pages worth of writing. I type faster than I write anyway and I want to use this old laptop more often. I barely use it. I finally have it set up where I can sit and use my laptop, so it’s a waste that I don’t.

I guess I should write out what my goals are, even though I feel as if I have written them a hundred times.

Short term goals:
– Finish my data collection
– Write the introduction and materials and methods of my thesis
– Write an entry a day for my blog
– Use my bullet journal daily
– Sleep consistently
– Exercise at least 60 minutes per day
– Not to rush!

Long term goals:
– Graduate with my MS Spring 2018
– Lose weight
– Be happy
– Manage time better

I haven’t taken my ADHD medication so I am somewhat restless. I keep getting up or I keep attending to other things. I tend to pause and either stare at other things or fidget with something else. In fact at this moment I just realized I started twitching my foot while writing. 8 minutes and a half left. I should have silenced my phone too. I was about to check my phone but instead I put it on do not disturb.

I have learned that there’s no need to rush to check messages or calls. There’s no need to rush to check your email. There’s no need to rush to watch the next episode. It will be there whether or not you check it now or later. I’ve also learned that you don’t need to rush to respond to someone (I mean of course this doesn’t apply to medical circumstances). If someone calls you when you’re not available, there’s no need to call right away, call them when you’re free. If someone messages you when you’re not available, you don’t need to read their message, you don’t need to respond right at that moment. In a way, I miss the old days when we weren’t so connected. How in order to communicate with someone who lived far away, you could only write letters. Or in order to catch up with your friends you had to physically be together or plan a time and place in order for you to share things with one another. Even telephoning, you had to be at your house in order to receive a phone call. You were talking in real time and you couldn’t do anything really, unless you had those really long curly phone lines or a cordless phone.

I miss the days of analog when people spent time with people, rather than their mobile devices. I’m not anti-tech, I love technology. I just find it so heartbreaking that I can’t connect with others in person. Instead, “send me a text”. I despise apps that allow others to keep up to date with your life, depending on what you post. I want people to ask me how I’ve been, what I’m up to, what my plans are. To ask me to have lunch, to have coffee, to catch up, to live a moment, an afternoon, an evening with me.

I just want that personal connection that you can’t get with a mobile device.

Sleep

I pulled an all nighter Sunday night. I finished grading papers at about 10am Monday morning and slept for three hours so I can be coherent for the meeting later that day. After the meeting I was exhausted and hungry. I stopped by McDonald’s to unwind and gorge myself. I went home and knocked out at 6PM. I did not wake up until 11am the next day. It was glorious. I had an incredibly bad headache all night. It finally went away when I got off work. 

School is finally over…for now. I have a month to get it together. Finally start on my research. Finally start lots of things. I’m really excited to start again. But, right now I just need sleep.

Beginning

Did not wake up in sweat this morning. I managed to get up within 30 minutes of actually waking up. I’ve been really good about not overeating…at least I think I have. My medication (30mg Remeron) increases my appetite. Within the first month I was eating much more than I usually do, which was almost nothing. I lost a lot of weight and could barely sleep or stay asleep due to my depression. I would forget to eat. My mind would race at night and I would have trouble falling asleep. My medication has greatly improved my mood and I have gained a bit of weight. Even now as I’m typing I am feeling drowsy. 

I was able to write an entry in my bullet journal. I so badly want to buy a new notebook. There’s just something about a new notebook with blank pages that really inspires me. I wrote down important things or at least things I think are important right now. I have been thinking a lot about getting rid of clothes. I bought lots of new clothes that I barely wear. I still want to get rid of stuff in my closet. I have been finding the urge of buying things I don’t need. Sometimes I get strong urges to go to the store when I don’t need to in order to avoid what I really need to do.

Things went well for the most part. Even it’s just a little bit, I am slowly getting better.

Push

I woke up after eight hours of sleeping. I did not wake up in sweat. I went back to sleep for an hour – I didn’t mean to, I only meant to close my eyes…I woke up in sweat. Not sure what it is. Maybe I’m just warm? Maybe my duvet retains heat? It could be my sheets. I recently purchased an encasement for my mattress. I did read reviews that it caused people to be sweaty. It’s weird to wake up sweaty, especially since I have air conditioning. 

Another day has passed and I have yet to start on my bullet journal. I “have a good idea” of how I want it, but that’s all I have: good ideas. Good ideas that I will eventually forget. I can tell my medication is wearing off when I start getting “the itch.” I’m not really too sure what you would call it but “the itch” is when you just can’t stand doing something until the moment is just right. I can’t get started on my bullet journal because of these reasons:

– what kind of pen will I use

– where will I do my spread

– how much time do I need to allocate for planning

– will I plan my bullet journal first? Or just do a spread?

– do I need a new journal?

– how do I salvage my current one?

– do I need a tracker?

– what will I do with my current weekly planners/daily planners?

I want to start on my bullet journal so that I can start using it right away. Currently I am living day to day without really having a good idea of how the week will pan out, let alone next week. I depend on my watch and phone to remind me when I work. I input my work schedule into my calendar right away, my phone and watch sync, so I always have the information when I need it. I’m pretty good about my work schedule – other things not so much. I have missed a couple of appointments because I forgot to input them into my calendar right away. Some pending ones would be my salon appointment and the meeting I have on Monday. MY MEETING ON MONDAY IS SUPER IMPORTANT. Hopefully by writing it in caps I will remember to input the date and time tomorrow in my calendar. 

I have also given thought to my warddrobe. I really need to cull it again. I’ve noticed that I have not worn certain pieces. It’s a shame that I’ve spent so much money on clothes I hardly wear. 

I need to exercise some self control – stop sleeping so much!

Sweat

For the past two nights in a row I have been getting cold sweats. Maybe that’s not the right term but, I wake up in the morning covered in sweat. It’s so odd because it is cold in my studio. It has only started since I have been taking my 30mg medication. I suspected that maybe 70F is a bit warm. I usually have the ambient temperature around 66F in my studio. I lowered it to 68F. If I’m not covered in sweat, then I was just warm the past couple of days. 

Getting the hang of my duties at my part time job, I’m a supervisor now. Within one year I was able to get promoted. I guess that’s something to be proud of. 

The summer course is over but grading still needs to be done. 

Gonna sleep for 8 hours. I hope I get my morning started right away.