Sleep

I pulled an all nighter Sunday night. I finished grading papers at about 10am Monday morning and slept for three hours so I can be coherent for the meeting later that day. After the meeting I was exhausted and hungry. I stopped by McDonald’s to unwind and gorge myself. I went home and knocked out at 6PM. I did not wake up until 11am the next day. It was glorious. I had an incredibly bad headache all night. It finally went away when I got off work. 

School is finally over…for now. I have a month to get it together. Finally start on my research. Finally start lots of things. I’m really excited to start again. But, right now I just need sleep.

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Beginning

Did not wake up in sweat this morning. I managed to get up within 30 minutes of actually waking up. I’ve been really good about not overeating…at least I think I have. My medication (30mg Remeron) increases my appetite. Within the first month I was eating much more than I usually do, which was almost nothing. I lost a lot of weight and could barely sleep or stay asleep due to my depression. I would forget to eat. My mind would race at night and I would have trouble falling asleep. My medication has greatly improved my mood and I have gained a bit of weight. Even now as I’m typing I am feeling drowsy. 

I was able to write an entry in my bullet journal. I so badly want to buy a new notebook. There’s just something about a new notebook with blank pages that really inspires me. I wrote down important things or at least things I think are important right now. I have been thinking a lot about getting rid of clothes. I bought lots of new clothes that I barely wear. I still want to get rid of stuff in my closet. I have been finding the urge of buying things I don’t need. Sometimes I get strong urges to go to the store when I don’t need to in order to avoid what I really need to do.

Things went well for the most part. Even it’s just a little bit, I am slowly getting better.

Push

I woke up after eight hours of sleeping. I did not wake up in sweat. I went back to sleep for an hour – I didn’t mean to, I only meant to close my eyes…I woke up in sweat. Not sure what it is. Maybe I’m just warm? Maybe my duvet retains heat? It could be my sheets. I recently purchased an encasement for my mattress. I did read reviews that it caused people to be sweaty. It’s weird to wake up sweaty, especially since I have air conditioning. 

Another day has passed and I have yet to start on my bullet journal. I “have a good idea” of how I want it, but that’s all I have: good ideas. Good ideas that I will eventually forget. I can tell my medication is wearing off when I start getting “the itch.” I’m not really too sure what you would call it but “the itch” is when you just can’t stand doing something until the moment is just right. I can’t get started on my bullet journal because of these reasons:

– what kind of pen will I use

– where will I do my spread

– how much time do I need to allocate for planning

– will I plan my bullet journal first? Or just do a spread?

– do I need a new journal?

– how do I salvage my current one?

– do I need a tracker?

– what will I do with my current weekly planners/daily planners?

I want to start on my bullet journal so that I can start using it right away. Currently I am living day to day without really having a good idea of how the week will pan out, let alone next week. I depend on my watch and phone to remind me when I work. I input my work schedule into my calendar right away, my phone and watch sync, so I always have the information when I need it. I’m pretty good about my work schedule – other things not so much. I have missed a couple of appointments because I forgot to input them into my calendar right away. Some pending ones would be my salon appointment and the meeting I have on Monday. MY MEETING ON MONDAY IS SUPER IMPORTANT. Hopefully by writing it in caps I will remember to input the date and time tomorrow in my calendar. 

I have also given thought to my warddrobe. I really need to cull it again. I’ve noticed that I have not worn certain pieces. It’s a shame that I’ve spent so much money on clothes I hardly wear. 

I need to exercise some self control – stop sleeping so much!

Sweat

For the past two nights in a row I have been getting cold sweats. Maybe that’s not the right term but, I wake up in the morning covered in sweat. It’s so odd because it is cold in my studio. It has only started since I have been taking my 30mg medication. I suspected that maybe 70F is a bit warm. I usually have the ambient temperature around 66F in my studio. I lowered it to 68F. If I’m not covered in sweat, then I was just warm the past couple of days. 

Getting the hang of my duties at my part time job, I’m a supervisor now. Within one year I was able to get promoted. I guess that’s something to be proud of. 

The summer course is over but grading still needs to be done. 

Gonna sleep for 8 hours. I hope I get my morning started right away. 

Start

Not sure what it is but I’ve been feeling inspired. I’ve been spending a lot of time on YouTube – mainly videos about minimalism. It could be because today is the last day of the summer course. I am so relieved. I still have a bit of work left before my meeting on Monday.

I feel motivated to pick up bullet journaling again.

I feel motivated to eat healthy – I am interested in incorporating this diet I just heard of called the ‘raw food’ diet. I think it could be something I could pick up and tailor to my current diet.

I feel motivated to find ‘my uniform’ for my style.

Procrastination

Boiled chicken and peas doesn’t sound too bad – maybe with a lot of butter. After watching videos on Snapchat, I’ve accidentally started watching procrastination videos. I’m watching a tedx talk. I like this tedx tak by Mel Robbins. She asked the audience, “What do you want?”

That’s a great question. For the first time, in a long time, I can clearly see what I want. What I want is so obvious. I know what I need to do, I just can’t start. Mel simply says to FORCE yourself. That’s what I need to do. My partner tells me to JUST START. All procrastination help articles talk about techniques to get over your procrastination. 

I don’t act. I need to change that. This first thing I will work on will be: WAKING UP ON TIME. I tend to snooze a lot. I tend to cheat myself on sleep. I’m not going to cut my hours of sleep but I’m not going to oversleep. I’m thankful for my comfy bed but I need to get out of it.

Today, I will change.

Sake

I feel a bit angry. My friend couldn’t admit to making a mistake, so instead they became defensive and started blaming and projecting. What could I expect from an immature person?

I feel embarrassed. Why can’t I appreciate the work my partner does? I want to support them. I want to love the things they make and create – but instead I just want to tear it down. I must be projecting jealousy. That must be it. How can I love someone but think what they create is stupid? When they say something is funny – it’s not. When they say something is interesting – it’s not. I don’t get their interests. I don’t share the same humor. This terrifies me. I love my partner but our interests are very different. I’m afraid that I will find out that our values are different. I could never sacrifice my values for someone, no matter who they are. 

I had a long day today. It wasn’t necessarily bad but it wasn’t necessarily good either. It could be the medication wearing off. I start feeling dreadful and pessimistic when the medication wanes. I took another dose but it will be a while for it to go into full effect.

I desperately tried to wake up early. It didn’t work. I can’t sleep less than 7 hours. I just don’t have the motivation or the energy to get out of bed. 

I’ve been wanting to bullet journal again. I love looking at bullet journal layouts but I can’t be bothered with actually laying it out. 

Let it go. Let it all go. My anger, must frustration, my pride. I just want to be at peace. I just want to be calm. I just want to be still and quiet. For times like these, I am thankful I live alone.