Today was my second day off. I don’t normally get two consecutive days off. I was scheduled off yesterday in order to attend a company function. Surprisingly, I enjoyed myself. Today is also the first day of the actual dose of Strattera. There was a titration period of 15 days. I generally felt good all day until mid-afternoon. I became somewhat irrational and I felt judged by my partner. I began raising my voice and having strong feelings. The feelings I felt strongest were shame and guilt. I felt ashamed that I was relaxing and enjoying myself. I felt guilty that I have been spending my time and effort into my interests and trying to find new friends. I felt bad that I haven’t done any of my research this summer. It kind of snowballed from there. I didn’t have dinner at the time but I didn’t feel hungry. Strattera curbs my appetite – most times I don’t feel hunger at all. I cried because I felt angry. I was angry at myself and I felt that my partner wasn’t being supportive of my efforts and of my interests. I felt extremely alone at one point. I felt I was on a rollercoaster of emotions. At one point I felt as if I was not allowed to be happy. That I am a slave. That I am not allowed to take care of myself. I said, “I’m not allowed to breathe unless I am working (on my project).” It was rather over the top. My partner calmed me down by telling me to eat and by watching a show together. We hardly ever do anything together these days. I told my partner I feel alone because I am alone.
Eating and watching two episodes of our show put me in better spirits. I admitted that I wanted to take a break. I got over the guilt and the shame and worked on a schedule. I feel that I will be alright as long as I schedule a week in advance. To keep me in check of what I need to do.
Despite my outburst this evening, I have finally found how to relax and how to enjoy myself. I haven’t felt this way in a long time.