Music

I concede. I can’t  make myself a morning person. I’m sure I could try but all I would be doing is tricking myself to do things I usually do at night during the day. I’ve accepted the fact that I usually sleep at 2-3am and fully wake up at 2pm. It’s really a vicious cycle. I have noticed that I am listening to music again. I have not listened to music (on a personal whim) for maybe a year and a half. When I “fell” into my debilitating depression I did not listen to music, I did not eat, I did not do anything really besides working. I didn’t feel like talking, I didn’t feel like going outside. All I wanted to do was stay in bed or stay home because I was afraid of crying for no reason. It was really bothersome and it took a lot out of me having to be conscious to not cry at work or at school.

The type of music that I enjoy listening to is 2000s rock or emo. I don’t know what it is about that period that I’m stuck on. I will never get tired of listening to Coheed and Cambria, Death Cab for Cutie (The Postal Service – to be honest Ben Gibbard), Dashboard Confessional (to be honest Chris Carabba), or Panic! At the Disco (to be honest Brendon Urie). Certain albums encapsulated my life at the time that I was listening to them.

Coheed and Cambria and Dashboard Confessional really helped me through the bad years of my life. I was very unhappy at the time – listening to these bands took my mind off of what was happening to me, but also I could relate to some of the songs. The loneliness, the betrayal, the heartache.

From time to time I think of my ex-boyfriend who is probably still playing the bass guitar for a band. He is handsome and funny. He wasn’t very ambitious but he was a very simple guy. He dumped me because I was too ambitious. He told me that he couldn’t stand being with me because he felt intimidated by me. His friends would boast about my accomplishments, his parents would nag him about his lifestyle and compare him to me. I really loved him. Even though he didn’t have a clue of what kind of work I did or how hard I studied for my degree, I loved him just as he was. He made me laugh, he made me feel that I didn’t need to be someone amazing to be by his side. I wanted him to love me the way I loved him – he just didn’t feel that way about me. When I told him that I loved him all he said was thanks. Recalling those key moments, he doesn’t sound like a very great guy. He really is a good guy. He hasn’t had a girlfriend since he dumped me. To be honest, I check on him now and then. Part of me misses him, I won’t deny that. He’s still doing the same thing. Still gigging, barely playing the bass, still working his 9-5 job, still living with his parents. He’s still handsome.

My boyfriend now, was a guy that I really liked while I was dating the bassist. I don’t know. There was just something about my current boyfriend that I was really attracted to him. I was faithful though. I avoided him at all costs. But my current boyfriend had a lot of things that my bassist ex didn’t – muscles and brains. Yeah, I’m shallow, whatever. When my bassist ex started pulling away from me (impending break up) I started working out, dieting, and making myself up. There were so many times the thought would cross my mind, “if I wasn’t dating the bassist, I would so date so and so.”  Well, I got dumped. I really didn’t think my boyfriend would have been attracted to me, I really thought that I was friendzoned from the get-go. He was just waiting for me to be single, so.

There are some times that he’s kind of dorky though. He’s still young, I’m sure he’ll get less dorky when he gets older. We’ve been dating for four to five years now.

Lol I just checked his profile. Still single.

 

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